I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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