I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
