I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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