Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
