So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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