Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
