somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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