I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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