I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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