do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
