Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
