Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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