The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
