Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
