mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
