if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
