hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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