What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
