That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
