Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
