Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
