I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
