i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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