Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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