hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
there was a trapeze. enough said
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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