The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
