Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
