I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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