I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
