matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
