can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
