I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
