Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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