Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
