You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
