Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
