shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
