i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
