I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
