I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
