I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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