Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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