he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
