ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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