mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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