8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My balls are so social today.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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