btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
