She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
