he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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