When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
