mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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