Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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