Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
