If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
